Enhancing Marital Communication
At some time or another in our relationships, conflict
naturally arises. One partner may be in a different emotional space than the other, and sensitivity to a partner’s life
context can go way down. Of course, one’s physical circumstances are also relevant, as illness, fatigue and hunger create
more of a preoccupation with our own perceptions and needs. The following vignette is fictional, but contains communication
snafu’s that, although probably unintentional, can be wounding. You may see yourself here, in some way. How the wound
is dealt with can determine if its effects are short-lived or if they become part of the catalog of complaints that one spouse
holds and remembers about the other. Following the story are some general recommendations regarding navigating through relationship
conflict and enhancing a couple’s communication.
“Kitty and Joe, both in their early 40’s,
have been married for 15 years, and have 2 children, Cathy, age 12, and her younger brother, Bobby, age 8. B0th Kitty and
Joe are attorneys; Kitty works
Part
time for a local corporation and Joe works full time in his family’s law practice. Their relationship has been strong,
and its durability has rested on their usually being mature and above all, conscious of their own behavior and how it affects
their partner.
Recently, however, stress has mounted. Each spouse’s
business has suffered an economic downturn; both of them are somewhat worried; their sleep is being affected, and Joe, being
more inclined to put his stress into his body, has had bouts of diarrhea and headache.
It’s a Tuesday, not one of Kitty’s work days. She has spent her morning doing bills; finished, she begins
to tackle some housework, carrying the laundry downstairs and putting the first of at least 4 loads into the washing machine.
The house is not completely picked up, but Kitty is hungry and decides to have lunch and get to the house later, maybe between
delivering and retrieving Bobby to and from soccer practice. Bobby’s bus drops
him off, he has a snack, and Kitty loads him and his equipment into the car. Just as she says goodbye to her son, he begs
her not to leave and to watch him play. She agrees, and stays at the field.
Meanwhile,
Joe is driving home early from the office, having had his own frustrating day. When traffic on 684 suddenly slows to a crawl,
the feeling that he just can’t get a break becomes compounded. He and Kitty have not been getting along as well as they
used to; each of them has become more peevish and irritable, and the bad feelings have been circling with little interruption
for weeks.
Kitty’s efforts to recognize what he’s been going through
have not really hit the mark, and Joe’s continued irritability has frustrated her needs for love and attention; Kitty’s
anger about this has been more in his face. Joe feels alone and misunderstood. His need for soothing has been growing, as
has his resentment at not getting it. Now there’s this miserable traffic!
Joe
finally pulls into his driveway; Kitty’s car is not there. Given the recent emotional stalemate between them, he’s
not sure if this is the good news or the bad news, and resolves to take a bike ride, thinking the exercise would help to reduce
his stress. His bicycle shorts are nowhere to be found, and there are no athletic socks in his drawer. He finds them in the
washing machine, still wet; it’s true, he thinks, he doesn’t count around here, can’t get his needs met,
and lately that’s included in the bedroom. Kitty comes home with Bobby. She’s enjoyed her afternoon with her son,
and her mood has softened. Seeing Joe coming down the stairs she approaches him with an affectionate hug. Joe’s mood
remains dark, and unable to accept her gesture, he snaps.
“What have
you been doing all day? The house is a mess. I need to ride, and my shorts are wet.
Kitty attempts to explain her day, and Bobby wanting her to watch the game, when he cuts her off.
“I can’t get anything around here. Bobby got what he needed, but not me! I’m working
my ass off all day, and that’s not adding up to much. Do you have any idea the pressure I’m under to bring money
into this house?”
Kitty backs up, feels like crying, but doesn’t.
She’s no lightweight, and can defend herself.
“Don’t speak
to me that way, like I’m a piece of trash. I have a life of my own, and I’m your wife, remember? Screw you!”
With that she storms past him, and he heads for the door, needing to be away
from her. Before slamming it behind him, he fires a last volley, escalating their conflict: “And what about last night?”
referring their not having sex.
When Kitty and Joe have had a cooling
off period and are able to talk to each other, they would do well to demonstrate that each of them has empathy – the
ability to emotionally relate- for their partner’s experience. People who do not experience empathy in their relationships
feel unimportant and disconnected. Empathy is felt when tone of voice matches content. For example, if both Kitty and Joe
were able to say a heartfelt, “I hear what you’re saying, I appreciate now what you’ve been going through,”
all by itself a significant level of healing will be achieved! Remember, healthy families provide a frame
for all feelings, and recognize that anger is an expectable part of living together. The deep belief needs to be, “this
feels really bad, and I don’t like you right now, but we’ll get through this and be stronger on the other end.”
John Gerson, Ph.D.
drjohn@drjohn123.com
A Surprising Fix
Kathleen and Bob, a couple in their mid 30's with children,
had been seeing me for only 3 sessions when a homework assignment I gave them dramatically improved the energy between them
and led to their facing each other excitedly in the 3rd session, each eagerly seeking the other.
The back story behind this 10 year marriage is the following: Bob and Kathleen had a good and strong relationship for
the first 3 years while they were both working and living in the city. Kathleen's pregnancy and the birth of their 2
children introduced expectable stressors for them, and physically their need for more space than their New York City apartment
could provide led to efforts to sell it and buy a house in Westchester. As the housing market has not rebounded,
they have not been able to sell the apartment. Bob's need for more income resulted in his traveling more, and the couple began
to drift apart emotionally and physically. Bob carries a certain amount of anxiety from family-of-origin issues, and remoteness,
a very useful protection for him, became re-activated by these stressors, and by Kathleen's need for him. She became increasing
deprived and frustrated. Ultimately both of them co-created a brother-sister form of relating, friendly and cooperative as
parents, but passionless. When they came to see me, they hadn't had sex for 3 years.
About
6 months ago, Kathleen discovered Bob's stash of pornography. Her fury, she insisted, was not a reaction to the material,
and that she's was not a prude. She saw him instead being unfaithful to her; not coming to her for release and fulfillment,
but being rather with himself.
The homework assignment I gave them
was the following: I asked them to make time for each other at night when the children were in bed and they wouldn’t
be disturbed, and to create a ritual space with lit candles, music, etc, and for them to engage in non-erotic massage, Bob
being the masseur one night and Kathleen the next, and that although they might become aroused, I instructed them to do nothing
about that; they were to talk to each other during the massage about whatever was coming up for them, with an eye always on
discovering and dissolving what was between them.
At the beginning of the
3rd session Kathleen announced that they had done my assignment, and that it had been tremendously helpful. They conducted
their massage with their clothes on, a stipulation of Kathleen's at this point, given her hesitancy and distrust.
Of course there is more work to be done, but this has been a remarkable transformation. I was especially impressed with
the novelty and value of this non-erotic massage taking place with clothes on.
